The Anti  Cullen League
by EdwardPlusPandasEqualMe
Summary: Eric devises a plan to take down Edward. Will it work? How will Edward react? And why does it look like he just raped Mike and Tyler? First humor attempt! Reviews appreciated!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I thought I'd try some humor, since this darn title won't stop bugging me. Maybe this will make it stop. Reviews would help, too!**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer and do not own anything that she has created.**

**Eric Yorkie's POV**

I was on a mission. Operation Anti-Cullen League, to be specific. I had been planning it for weeks, and it ended in Bella realizing how perfect I was for her. Better than Mike, Tyler, and even Cullen. I had no issue with Cullen until he started to date Bella. After that I started scrutinizing his every move. And no, I am not stalking him. Just – scrutinizing. I realized that he had two flaws. One, he had no life outside of Bella. That is not what I'd call a healthy relationship. The second flaw was his features. They were perfect – too perfect. I analyzed his angular nose, his wide eyes, and his full lips when I knew that he wasn't looking. There was only one explanation for his perfection.

Cullen had gotten plastic surgery.

When I thought about it, it all fit. His father was a doctor, which probably meant that he could find the best plastic surgeons around to work on his foster children. All of their faces always looked so hard, like stone – or plastic.

Yes, I was in on Cullen's little secret, but I wasn't going to reveal it to Bella yet. I first needed to confer with Tyler and Mike to gain a new perspective on Cullen's faults without revealing the major one I had found. I could imagine Bella's reaction as I informed her, as any caring friend would, that her boyfriend's biggest asset was a fake. She would burst into tears, and I would allow her to cry into my shoulder until she was composed enough to break up with Cullen. Then she would come back and hug me tightly, telling me that she didn't just like me, she like-liked me. I would kiss her, and then we would talk about Cullen and how much we loathed him. I could almost hear her say it: "I hate Cullen!"

Other girls might not be deterred by the fact that their boyfriend had plastic surgery, but I was sure Bella was different. She wanted a man who was secure in himself, the real thing. I couldn't think of anyone who fit that description better than me. I knew who I was. I liked Pokemon and the Sci-Fi channel, and I was proud of it. I wondered whether Bella liked Pokemon. I was nearly giddy when I thought of me and her, sitting in front of the TV and groaning in unison when Ash used a Polywhorl instead of a Squirtle. Maybe she had a holographic Garydos card. **A/N: I watched Pokemon until second grade, OK?** I brought myself back to my mission. Step 1: Persuade Mike and Tyler to join the Anti-Cullen League. It was the end of the school day, and I knew that they'd be walking out in the same group in approximately 30 seconds. Once again, scrutinizing, not stalking.

I had prepared a speech. Not too long, but it got to the point. I walked up to their group, trying to appear nonchalant.

"Mike? Tyler? Would you mind conversing with me in seclusion for a few minutes?" Tyler looked confused, so I repeated myself in smaller words. "Could I talk to you alone?"

"Ohh," he said, a look of understanding lighting his face. "Um, OK." I looked toward Mike expectantly.

"Sure, I guess," he said before looking at Jessica. "See you later."

"Bye, Mike," she replied, a trace of sadness in her syrupy sweet voice. Jessica's head was tilted in way which would have looked cute on a puppy. Unfortunately, she was human, so the effect was lost. Her eyes started to bulge with the effort of looking adorable, and she relaxed her neck into a more natural position. I waited until the group was out of hearing distance, then addressed Mike and Tyler.

"I have gathered you here today to invite you into," I paused dramatically, "the Anti-Cullen League." There was silence, and then Mike started to laugh. Tyler hesitantly joined in, and the laughter built until they were gasping on the ground with tears running down their faces. To the innocent bystander it would have looked as if I had just raped them. Hmm. That might have repercussions that I didn't want to deal with. I started to walk away, but Mike got a hold of himself and choked out, "Wait!" So I waited. When they were able to talk again, Tyler asked, "You want us to join what?" I sighed.

"The Anti-Cullen League. A group devoted to the demise of Edward Cullen. Listen," I said urgently. "We all have one thing in common."

"We're all guys?" guessed Tyler.

"No. I mean yes, we're all guys, I mean, I think we are, but no, that's not what I was thinking of. We all loathe Edward Cullen. I propose that we each try to find flaws with him, then figure out how to use them against him. He doesn't stand a shot against all three of us pitted against him!"

Mike considered this, then responded. "I'm not joining the Anti-Cullen League. I'll go along with your plan, but I won't be a part of a group called the anything League. It would tear apart my image, eat the pieces, throw it back up, and then blowtorch it. Life is not a comic book. And second: Who gets Bella after we finish destroying Cullen?"

"Well," I replied, "That's for Bella to decide. Tyler, are you in?"

"I'm in."

"Good." It was more than good, it was splendiferous!

Step One complete.

**A/N: Tell me about the humor. Good? Bad? Okay? What can I do to improve?**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! You make me want to write more!

I woke up in the morning grinning from ear to ear. Stage one had actually been completed! As confident as I had been in that stage, my plans usually didn't work out so well. Like the time I tried to switch brains with my pet, Froggy the frog. Froggy is now buried in my backyard. Without a head. I took a few moments to mourn before continuing to got ready for school.

When I got to the bus stop, I realized that I had forgotten to put deodorant on this morning. Oh well. Bella would probably find my natural aroma just as appealing as the stick of Old Spice that my dad had gotten me for Christmas three years ago. I forgot a lot.

I had to wipe the smile off my face as soon as I got on the bus. There were predators in the back, ready to pounce at the first sign of self confidence or happiness. Nobody wanted to be their next victim. Even with the help of the guidance counselor, I could never stand up to them. "I messages" never worked in real life, contrary to popular belief. "I feel sad when you try to crush my self esteem. Please stop, or I will be forced to alert a parent/teacher/guidance counselor." That sentence had gotten seven wads of gum stuck in my hair and two weeks of verbal abuse. So I kept my head down and tried to appear meek as I entered the bus.

By lunch, my day had passed uneventfully. I couldn't stop daydreaming about the next Stage in my plan. I didn't miss anything in math, though, seeing as I had already memorized the textbook in my spare time. I grinned. Maybe, once Cullen was destroyed, we could have study sessions at my house. She could help me in English and I could help her in math. I nearly sighed with pleasure, then reminded myself that that wouldn't be very masculine.

I looked meaningfully at Mike and Tyler as I passed their table. Each of nodded slightly, so as not to appear as if they were associating with me. They remembered the plan! I was ecstatic. It had been so cool how we had communicated without talking. Maybe we should make up our own secret language so that Cullen won't understand what we're saying. Possibly a new dialect of Pig Latin? I-ay atehay Ullencay! I thought to myself. As I passed the table where he sitting, glued to Bella, I thought, Cullen, you're going down. Once Bella finds out the truth about you, she'll never want to be with you!

Eerily, Cullen chose that moment to look at me with wide eyes. He looked shocked, but I didn't see anything for him to be shocked about, so I just ignored him. I passed him up, thinking, Stupid plastic-surgeried phony! He didn't deserve Bella, the faker! Then he started shaking with laughter. I assumed Bella had told him a really funny joke. He whispered something in her ear, and she started laughing, too. I wanted desperately to know what was so funny, but I reminded myself that that would make me too much like Mike. I wasn't going to force myself on her; I could see how irritated she was with him when he took up his stalker-like tendencies. That was one of my advantages over Mike: I knew when to back off.

Tyler was a different story. To put it one way, he wasn't the brightest bulb in the drawer. Thus, I considered myself to be infinitely superior to him.

The rest of my lunch passed uneventfully, with only a few death glares from Cullen when he caught me staring at Bella. But that wasn't unusual. I groaned internally when I realized that I only had one more period until gym. That was one other thing that Bella and I shared: Distaste for physical activity. I was fine now, when my metabolism was running at hyperspeed, but what about later, when I could actually gain weight. I could picture myself sitting at a desk, solving math problems as I packed on the pounds. It sounded like a dream come true.

I trudged to the gym and changed halfheartedly. Gym was just an excuse for the jocks to make everyone else look bad.

"I have an announcement to make," barked Coach Clapp. "We will be starting a new unit today: ballroom dancing." At his declaration, people groaned and exchanged nervous glances. Nobody wanted to left partnerless. "To avoid mass mayhem, I have assigned you partners." Now everyone was terrified. Clapp was a known sadist. "Newton, Stanley; Yorkie, Swan..." I was ecstatic. This was a perfect time to show Bella my grace and dexterity. "Now I want you to - oh, you know how to dance. Let the rhythm pulse through your bodies! Let the music fill your minds, bodies, and souls! You are gazelles! You are cranes! You are - " At this point he seemed to become embarrassed at his impassioned speech. "Just dance."

"So, Bella, how's it going with you and C- Edward?" I asked, trying to be suave. We were swaying more than dancing.

"It's going fine, thank you," she replied, leaning away from me and seeming to suppress a smile.

"That's good." I was showing her, falsely, of course, that I wasn't jealous.

"Twirl!" shouted Clapp. When I reached up to guide her spin, she gasped and fell to the floor.

"Bella! Are you okay?" I yelled, concerned for her safety.

"I'm fine, just back up and let me breathe," she whispered weakly. Once she was recovered, she asked to be excused from dancing for the rest of the period. I was stuck dancing with Clapp. He seemed to lean away from me, too. I had never noticed before, but he breathed primarily through his mouth. That could have gone better.

* * *

Bella's POV 

Great. Gym. At least I would see Edward after this, I thought, trying to cheer myself up. It worked, to an extent. Until Coach Clapp announced what we would be doing and who we would be doing it with. God, I really hope Eric remembered to wear deodorant today, I prayed. Alas, my wish was not to be granted.

"So, Bella, how's it going with you and C- Edward?" he asked. I suppressed a smile. Plastic surgery? Even Edward had to admit that it was a first. I wondered what he was going to do with that "knowledge."

"It's going fine, thank you," I replied accidentally breathing through my nose. Big mistake. I barely managed to stay upright with the staggering force of his body odor. At least he was oblivious to the pain he was causing me.

"Twirl!" commanded Coach Clapp. Oh no! I opened my mouth to protest, but Eric had already raised his arm. I was helpless against the power of the stench. I was on the ground. I am never dancing with Eric, ever again, I thought.

A/N : Please review if you like it! Or even if you hate it!


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